🌸 sometimes, I feel I am going mad. 🌸

I have moments in my life where I like to observe people - not so much in terms of stalking (as obviously that makes me uncomfortable), more-so studying their mannerisms. The way people talk, behave and display body language. As a person with autism (and as of recently, inattentive ADHD), I find that I have had to put in the extra effort to adapt to the way neurotypical people do things - fitting in so to say.

Although I know I am human, I feel like a foreigner in the Earth because I am not "normal". I've said it before, I feel like an artificial being (ala Haiji Mibu from the obscure 1998 fighting game, Daraku Tenshi) and as of recently a bit of Yusuke Urameshi (from YuYu Hakusho), not so much the delinquency but in the sense that I was never used to people telling me what to do or controlling me and also, I never felt like I belonged anywhere (and have no idea what the hell I am doing in life ½ the time).

I don't know if other people feel the same way but sometimes I notice the lack of awareness in other people. I feel there is a sort-of conditioning in modern society; people just go along with mainstream trends or traditional pathways (especially when transitioning from education to work) and believe everything at first glance. People don't think outside the box. It doesn't make sense to me. None of it does.

If you are like myself and suffer from depression, you might think you're going mental. Unless there are others who understand what I am saying or going through, I genuinely feel nobody gets it at all.

I do think I have more awareness of my surroundings as I don't wear a rose-tinted mask on my face. I see things as they are. Now it isn't to say I hate life all the time, I am grateful to be alive and also grateful for privileges such as food, water, shelter and being around people I genuinely care for. I just tend to question what the point of life is, why we spend so much time sacrificing our energy for things we don't want to do such as working. If we ask such a thing, people become very dismissive or tell us this is life. Nobody likes to challenge the modern ways, they enjoy staying in the mould they're crafted into.

I guess this is just a short post on what I am thinking sometimes - indoctrination is heavily present in the complicated mess that is the Earth.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this short post and let me know in the comments if you feel the same. Until next time, sayonara for now. ♡