🌸 sometimes, existing is exhausting. 🌸

I often feel like a battery - one inside an obsolete smartphone. When I am fully charged, I am at 100%. But as each second, minute and hour in the day goes by, I deplete very quickly. Since using Daylio (app for mood tracking), I notice how my mood ranges from depression/burnout to sadness on weekdays due to the long slog of work taking a toll.

From what I observe on the Daylio app, it's obvious that I'm happier on weekends or time off. Why? Because I am not plastering on a silicone mask that sticks to my face for 7+ hours a day or having to do mental gymnastics as I spend my time performing in certain situations.

When I am at work for example, I feel suppressed to a degree. I do get on with the people at my workplace but the overall setting is grey, beige and worn down. Because I have always had a creative soul, being in an office makes me feel confined. Think of Cool from Daraku Tenshi (obscure 1998 fighting game I often mention); he is essentially a representation of a dark angel. As the game title literally translates to "fallen/degradation angel", it becomes clear. His stage is a jail cell and he desires freedom more than anything (whilst having a pessimistic outlook on life as evidenced by win quotes). Basically, I feel mentally trapped most of the time. That and considering our (delayed) move and restructure, I get more fed up because nobody is telling me anything and I have one foot in, the other out. I feel that my soul just disappears, only to result in a limp husk of meat in it's place.

I find being a human very exhausting. The upkeep of having to constantly look after yourself whilst handling multiple responsibilities becomes very grating. I never understood the saying: life is a gift. Not to say I'm ungrateful; I am glad to be healthy and also appreciate the privileges I have such as family support from my parents or my aunt for example. I just wonder why people love life so much. People who say they enjoy or love everything about life are probably faking it to an extent.

You spend majority of time dealing with systems that are ill equipped for purpose. Look at the education system; it traps students into conformity by taking away everything that makes them an individual. Creativity is stripped and students are moulded into people who fit their teachers vision of perfection. Also, students spend so much of their time going through school > college > university in the hopes of obtaining the necessary qualifications that help propel them into a great career. Sadly, qualifications have little value as everyone has them. Nobody stands out because they were expected to follow the traditional pathway to success. The same thing applies to work, you have to climb a corporate ladder in order to remain successful whilst gaining respect from others (as certain jobs/industries are considered low-skilled and the world is based on status, job titles and income). Then there is the aspect of dealing with difficult people and cliquish mentality. I have never been a people person, always keeping to myself most of the time. Unfortunately, the majority never liked this and would expect me to go out and socialise more. I've had to change myself to fit in, to be accepted and it is so hard because I can't be me. Why do I want to spend time socialising with people (i.e. extended family) who have rejected me for years? Why should I mix with negative people who put me down? Why am I subjecting myself to putting up with people who have low intelligence and ambition? I shouldn't have to endure it and neither should you.

I am not saying that I don't want to spend time with anyone. However, it gets very difficult to form genuine connections as most people can come across transactional. I've said it before in videos and also some blog posts, a lot of people like to extract energy from you then discard you when no longer useful. Unfortunately, there are many times where I've experienced being used by people. At school, I'd be a people pleaser - allowing other students to borrow equipment only for them to lose it or at work (more-so my second/current job), I'm giving my all to a company that doesn't care about me - doing 2, 3 or 4 jobs for the price of 1. It is absolute madness, having to piece things together like a puzzle.

Everyday is the same. Get up, tidy your room, shower, get dressed, eat, brush teeth, go to work, do your shift, go home, shower, eat, brush teeth, prepare for the next day, go to bed and repeat. This is modern life 5 days a week for the average person. This is it. We are expected to just accept what is handed to us and it is sad. Now in my case, I can work but I need fulfilment. I need to be in a place where I can contribute to a vision or make an impact. Yet, it's so hard to bring in ideas when powers that be don't approve. I have always preferred the idea of self-employment more-so because I can have control/autonomy. I know self-employment isn't easy but given my foundation in selling items online (I used to do this as a side-hustle when studying and also handled customer service, pricing and invoicing on my own + data management on spreadsheets). I am now trying to add items on Etsy to sell, turning crafting into a side-hustle which allows me to focus on doing something I love (as-well as blogging, running a podcast and a YouTube channel). When I put time and energy into something I love, I can focus for long periods of time but in a traditional job? Stay for x years, notice red flags and flaws in current management/working methods, find another job, quit then repeat. Yep.

I have thought of reincarnation before. As a child, I believed that in another life, I would be reborn as a porcupine. I didn't understand it then but as an adult it makes so much sense. I retreat into a shell when life gets tough or overwhelming. If I was reborn, preferably I would rather be a hamster (due to short shelf life) or a cat. Maybe a certain breed of dog (i.e. a poodle or pomeranian) that lives in an affluent area and gets fed wagyu beef (or tuna steak if I was a cat).

I've tried the whole sensory deprivation experience multiple times and find that it is interesting. Floating in water and Epsom salts and surrounded by darkness + silence. It allows me to reflect and sometimes, I hear my voice in my head either narrating my life or asking questions I want answers to. It feels like I am preparing for the end and oddly enough, I feel comfortable. Maybe it is because absolute stillness settles me. Either way, I don't desire the second chance to go through the human experience again.

Well, what do you think? Do you have these instances where you feel out of place? Please let me know in the comments.