🌸 going through it. 🌸

It's been a while since I last posted here. As life goes on, there are many things I've started to question - mainly the job I am now doing. Recently, my previous job went through a restructure; all the existing admin roles in my previous department were deleted and replaced. Then, I had to re-interview for my new role. I was offered something in the end but also interviewed for other jobs at the time, needing to cover all bases. I chose a legal admin role which is closer to home in terms of travel and gives me more flexibility as I work from home 1 to 2 days a week, giving myself time which was robbed from me (as I did a receptionist job which required me to be in every day).

Although I have been in my job for nearly 3 months, already I feel underestimated due to the ADHD kicking in. I've been working in administrative jobs for a good 6+ years and the more jobs I do, the more restless I get. I find office work to be quite boring - when working from home there are times where I sleep for a few minutes or I end up doing other things in the background because I can't stay sitting on a desk for a long period of time. I am going to try to see out my job for 6 months (to get the experience) but otherwise am in the process of looking elsewhere.

Besides this, I find that the older I get, the more unsatisfied I become with certain aspects of life - in particular the traditional path of school > college > university > work. I just feel like working days are a slog and the only good thing about doing a range of work-related tasks is knowing the time goes by faster and I can go home quicker. Besides this aspect of the job (+ flexibility), I just don't care for it at all. In a lot of jobs I've done, I often detach myself and present a different persona that doesn't reflect the real me. Instead there is a mask that conceals how I really feel on the inside because it is the only way of getting through (that and having lots of caffeine).

I guess I just don't see the point really. What am I even working towards? Assisting my employer with meeting daily targets/quotas? Helping them cut corners to save money so they can treat themselves to a shiny new car or a fancy holiday? Getting those KPIs up to speed? What kind of purpose is there? None, that is the answer. None. All of this means nothing in the end, especially when we come face to face with the ground below us (and a tight cage that is a coffin). We can't take the materialistic shit with us can we?

Point is, life is a complicated mess. I don't know what I expect to do but I hope at some point I will figure it out. Because I need to...