🌸 feeling unsafe at work. 🌸

Do you notice a shift in energy at work? Because I do. Since the recent news about the restructuring of my job, I notice that people display more negative traits. From having an attitude with you for no reason to being cagey, people's moods switch very easily.

Nobody feels safe at work. Not physically, emotionally or mentally. And especially not financially. You are taught to stay loyal to an employer, never to job hop. You are taught that job security is a thing. You are taught never to ask any questions or point out issues, just shut up and do your job. You are expendable to everyone around you. People see you as a tool, not a human being. You are nothing to these people. Nothing.

People are beaten down and broken, working in menial jobs with no real end point or sense of fulfilment. You live to work and are in survival mode 24/7 (as mentioned in previous posts), not knowing when your employer no longer needs you. The lack of job security is normalised; there are mass layoffs, redundancies and we suffer - either being replaced with employees who can work on the cheap or AI. The moods change as-well, one minute people are fine and the next they turn (like Jekyll and Hyde). When my colleagues feel this way, I either allow them to vent if they feel fine to do so or just leave them alone, not pressing the issue. I know people are going through a lot so I prefer to respect personal space. You never know what others are thinking in their head.

I find that since the restructure, people act like the workplace is a competition. I mean it is the same beforehand yet now, people are fighting to prove themselves in order to keep their jobs. It is like a reality TV show - making alliances and stabbing people in the back to get closer to the cash prize. There is little support and nobody cares about each other. It is basically survival of the fittest.

I find that working with people is very hard due to the polarizing personalities I have to deal with every damn day. I'm not a people person unless I am around those I care for (which is when I can unmask and be my authentic self). Instead, I am performing. I do get on with colleagues but find managers are the problem. From being dictatorial to using bullying and intimidation to assert dominance, it never stops.

You may notice this in yourself, especially when neurodivergent. In majority of workplaces, you have to fit a specific template. You are essentially a piece of clay, moulded to be the person your employer wants you to be. Once fired in the kiln, it is hard to break free. I feel like an actress, I put on my costume and mentally psych myself up for the role that fits each scene. In the workplace, it is the receptionist who delivers service with a smile. I am an artificial construct of a human (think Haiji Mibu from Daraku Tenshi), having to simply adapt to a setting that makes me feel uncomfortable. But, I've got to think of the money - right?

The ideal employee is one who is a "team player" (sacrificial lamb), the one who says yes to everything - no questions asked. In the case of being a team player this means willingly taking on extra work or overtime, participating in pointless meetings or work related celebratory dos (where you pay an arm, leg and a kidney for an overpriced meal). Employers don't like self expression, they don't like people who question their confusing management styles or hierachial structures. You do as you are told, just like when you were at school. In team meetings this is common, if you say your piece you get pulled aside for "offending" someone or not agreeing with the hive mind.

Performance isn't just about acting the part. It's about targets, targets, targets. If you know what KPI's (Key Performance Indicators) are then you will shudder inside. You have to go above and beyond to not only deliver but EXCEED expectations of management. You have to be available more than ever 24/7 - having no time to decompress as managers contact you off site to do last minute tasks. Even when they're off they keep tabs on you, using software to check your status. Unfortunately, you end up doing multiple jobs for one wage/salary. In my 2nd job I did the work of 3 for one wage. Now, it's the same thing again - assisting colleagues with backlogged work as I handle my own duties within the job description. I ask myself why the fuck am I here? Why the fuck am I doing any of this? Although some are grateful for assistance, others are the opposite. I find there are certain people who get an attitude with you if you dare criticise current working methods - if you suggest any improvements, you are belittled and either colleagues/management get arsey for no reason. Take my current job, my team and I try to assist a colleague with feedback forms and when we ask questions for clarification, we either get no answer or we have to deal with their shitty attitude. Things like this are why I can't stand working with people: I try to work WITH a team yet everything I do is not good enough to some. I feel inadequate and this is worse when autistic/ADHD, you struggle to fit neurotypical standards. I am operating on Windows, everyone else is operating on MacOS.

This is how people are at work, they are transactional - taking advantage of your skills and can-do attitude when they see fit. This is one of the reasons why I have to scope people out before I consider investing in friendships outside the work settings.

To add to the above point, employers don't give a shit about your struggles with workload. They want all their deadlines met and that is the bottom line. If you can't take on extra work or deliver, they have a problem. If you say bring up mental health issues, your employer will gaslight you into thinking that you're incapable of handling pressure and you second-guess everything you do. I experienced this in my 2nd job and it was awful, having concerns dismissed by management.

People don't bother missing days when sick. People save those days and still come in despite not being 100%, especially as most jobs here in the UK either have SSP or no sick pay at all. Whilst dealing with depression, I have to force myself to come in even though I don't want to be in a bleak office building with other people. I have to act like I'm interested in conversations when I zone out, ruminating over the uncertainty of my job and the future. I have to pretend to care about my job, having to produce, produce, produce to make management happy even though I'm checked out. Many others are the same, going through rough times whilst putting on a mask. If any of my colleagues ask how I'm doing, I tell them I'm alright. If they notice my sad expression, I say I'm tired. If I feel like crying, I do so in the toilets, knowing nobody will ask what's wrong. I bet you've done this too. Besides, I often keep my mouth shut and rarely share my struggles unless comfortable as there is a lot of judgement in the world. Being vulnerable at work is a form of weakness that can be used against you. There are little incentives that make people stay at work. These days, it is rare to get pay increases or bonuses. Even if you do, it gets taxed and your extra hours of overtime are rendered pointless.

It is hard keeping up pretenses everyday, knowing you are being monitored by micromanagers who make you second-guess yourself. You feel like no matter how hard you try, you are never good enough for anyone. Your hard work and efforts mean nothing in the end.

To be honest, I feel it is important to protect your peace at work as much as you can. When I meet people, I find some have what is called demonic energy (a term I will use more often in this blog), a vibe which is very off. I prefer to keep my distance, conversing when necessary (in relation to the job). I know in hard times, there is a plan for me. My plan is working towards self-employment, knowing I can just get on with it without anyone breathing down my neck. As I used to sell products online, it gives me an understanding of how marketplaces operate. I am now in the stages of conducting market research, mockups and samples for my Etsy shop, hoping it will take off later in the year. It isn't easy starting from scratch but I know I can do it.

Well, I hope you enjoy today's post. Keep well and stay safe. Sayonara, until next time. ♡