🌸 burnout is here, real and never going away. 🌸

Burnout is normalised in modern life - especially when working. I find the older I get, the more I put into a workplace, there is always burnout everywhere I go. I find that my problems relate to executive functioning skills decreasing (partially due to autism) as-well as poor environments, causing me to check out and become a shell of myself. That and people are ALWAYS a common denominator (because of polarising personalities and BS - no wonder I'd rather fuck off to the countryside).

There's a lot going on around me; I'm not just referring to actual tasks or moments where colleagues or the general public want queries resolved - I'm talking about expectations you have to meet. The constant need to be 24/7 productive, to acheive targets, targets, targets, the additional workload dumped onto you (because as per usual, managers don't have adequate numbers of staff for backlogs). I have had experiences in my previous job where I take on too much and stretch myself thin - even now in my current job upper management wants the same and I can't do it all. I can't fucking do it all. I remember going through depression when working in my 2nd job as an admin assistant; I had to deal with bereavement issues and a toxic, dysfunctional workplace at the same time. When speaking to management about the amount of pressure I had (due to doing the work of 3 people for minimum wage whilst training an ex-colleague's replacement who was incompetent) plus the calls outside of working hours (which I was never paid for), they gaslit me into thinking I was not capable of doing my job - telling me every company is like this and I have to handle pressure. One good thing about this previous job (not that it is too relevant) is that myself and my ex-colleagues (who I still communicate with) left. And, the company shutdown (good). On one hand, office environments are fast-paced. However as a manager, it is your duty to support struggling staff so a service can run smoothly. If your staff aren't at 100%, you can't expect them to produce high-quality work. Then again, most managers aren't hands on. They have no knowledge of what is happening in their team and all they do is delegate tasks.

Besides burnout making me feel less motivated to work, suicidal ideation is added into the blender of BS (ha, a new term I can use!) - I have had depression for years and when at my lowest, I end up ruminating over the possibilities of ending it. I sometimes come up with detailed plans of what I intend to do, weighing the pros and cons whilst thinking about the event itself, what will happen and how people who know me will react. The main reason I haven't tried is because I don't know if the process will work (yes, a sad answer) and the potential outcome of being alive and in pain (which I don't want to experience - also I don't want to be reincarnated; if so please let me be a hamster with a short shelf life). Of course, I am not saying anyone should end it - this is just my train of thought and it is OK to have these feelings (not in that way, I am saying that it can happen at times and there should be no shame in admitting it). When it comes to admission, I'd personally recommend talking to someone who understands how you feel - it takes a while for me to open up mainly because I grew up in a culture where having vulnerabilities is a form of weakness (if you are black Caribbean, you will know exactly what I mean).

With burnout at work, you have to realise who you are and what you're worth. You need to know when to step back and admit that you aren't Wonder Woman (obviously I'm not, just an average person who feels like Haiji Mibu from Daraku Tenshi - an artificial human for obvious reasons). It can be easier said than done because the modern society constantly pushes this idea on your job title/earnings determining your value in the world. You have to remind yourself (still need to do this from time to time) that even if you lose your job, develop long-term medical issues which stop you from working or die - your employer will immediately advertise for your replacement. I am not saying don't work. I am saying to be realistic with what you can do and to enforce boundaries. If you are doing A, B, C and your employer gives you X to do in a certain time frame, say you can do X when available (as it may not be as much of a priority). Although, some employers don't like this attitude because they think you are selfish and not a "team player" - well, sacrificial lamb as I call it.

Well, don't be the sacrificial lamb. Your value in the world isn't based on your job title or a damn paycheck. Remember, you are a number to these people. One in a long list on the payroll system. Don't assume that hard work gets you anywhere because ½ the time, you get rewarded with more work (either that or if you worked in a minimum wage job like mine, greasy takeaways). Yep. All I am saying is when you work, there is no point in taking on multiple tasks you can't do at once. Just go in, do what you can and realise that tomorrow is another day.